He is like my sunshine. His eyes have the ability to see me clearer than anyone ever has. He sees me, understanding my pain, and yet still accepts me- loves me. When I go to those dark and isolated corridors of my brain, he finds me and pulls me out. He installs a confidence that I never thought I would have. It scares me how much I depend on his warmth, how much I need his light. There are studies that claim some people become clinically depressed in winter, for the lack of sun. I'm originally from a sun-drenched place; Mississippi's winters are short and never dull. I fear that if I lose my sun I will collapse within myself.
And I did lose him once, for a short time, to a selfish and terrible thing. It was in the dawn of our relationship and I feared I would never hold him in my arms again. I would not fight for him, or do something to belittle myself, my mother taught me better than that. But I longed for him, I realized there was no being whole without him and I worried he would never realize that. He hurt me greatly; whats more, he did the same thing my own father did before I was even born. He left. This has always been the root of my pain, my abandonment.
Now I realize the difference between the two. I see it clearer than I did before. He, my boy, came back. Patient, and forever looking to make up for his past mistakes, he allowed me to let go of my anger, my pain. I will never understand fully what possessed him to do what he did, and I believe it was out of the fear of something new, something that can only be love, our love.
I really am an old fashioned girl; my ideas are truly romantic, despite my cynical nature. I hate how I find it so hard to be myself. But whats a girl to do when she fears pain and abandonment? She is forced to build up an impenetrable shell that cannot crack, because the inside is fragile and frightfully close to breaking. I hope I am strong enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment