I am so looking forward to the road trip next week. A week spent with the most amazing boy traveling through some of the most gorgeous scenery in the world. The Appellation Mountains, the hazy south- I'm in love.
I look forward to this even more because it offers an escape from reality for my boy. A postgraduate summer is never easy and this one has been especially brutal. A special comradery is established between post grads that cannot be understood by others luckier to still be in school. The job market is depressingly lackluster and other options must be explored.
On the other hand, it has allowed for lazy afternoons in bed together as we waited for time to pass, quick spontaneous trips to places we have always dreamed of going but never allotted enough time for, and above all relaxation- something that was once foreign to our vocabulary. Although the fear of job searching is ever present we have been allowed to renew our spirit, reawaken forgotten passions, and experience new sensation. I am recovering and my heart feels full.
Even this week's events could not fully break my spirits. Although it was heart wrenching to see someone address and accuse my boy so forcefully, especially when it was so undeserved. I trust my boy unconditionally and I believe wholeheartedly in reconciliation. But after hearing some of the things said to him I understand now that we can finally move forward and put everything behind us. It has been hard, hard to overcome the adversity that we had at the start of our relationship. Everyone told me we wouldn't work out, that too much damage had already been done; that I was foolish in forgiving him and his ex-girlfriend for what they did to me. But I have no regrets- I see his love for me everyday, in everything he does and in every look he gives me. I understand now that it was a mistake for us to believe that others could understand this feeling- and could reciprocate it back. We needed this jarring experience. To hear his Ex’s silly boyfriend yell and say that my boy lost his chance with her, it was laughable in their believability that he would want that. It was the exact experience I needed to burst the illusions I had- the events a year ago left me feeling vulnerable and insecure- I needed something that allowed for vindication. I may not be as forgiving as I thought but that’s okay; I don't have to be a saint. In fact it’s about time I grew a backbone and stood up for my relationship and myself. Sometimes a bitchy attitude is just the spark to show just how fucking amazing I am. This is hard given my deeply ingrained need to gain perfection and to be liked by everyone. But no longer will I feel vulnerable to a mixed up little girl, who cut herself in hopes of controlling her feelings and used sad tactics such as stealing other’s boyfriends as redemption for someone stealing hers. What a mixed up piece of karma. I can laugh at that now, I see the sad stupidity behind her actions and no longer feel vulnerable toward my boy’s past relationship. This is important because it does not come without understanding; I know more than anyone the pain and confusion self-mutilation can bring. I too cut myself in my adolescent years but as the scars healed and lost their luster, I grew up to understand the power and hurt others can cause. So that’s why my boy made the most amazing and right choice in choosing me- in coming back to me and giving her up. Even her false pregnancy accusations could not falter our love for each other. I wonder now why I didn’t see this in the past. Why it was so hard for me to conceive, through all the pain she inflicted on me, how stupid a woman she was. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to say this, but I am the better woman. A beautiful, smart, artistic, and successful young woman- who is above all powerful and strong. Adversity is nothing new but I have healed.
Jeff, you have given me so much and allowed room for my growth. I know our relationship has been an unusual one but I see now that it could be no other way- we are who we are- so I love you. With every fiber and essence of my being- you are apart of me. Baby, we are amazing and together the world is open and wondrous, filled with every dream we have ever whispered to each other as we lay together in bed. I love you so much. Smile and be content. :)
