A universe full of lives. Emptiness.

I have this uncanny ability to collapse within myself. I am often surprised how fast it can happen. I could be having an amazing day.  In every way I am content, happy, respected, and appreciated. None of this matters when it happens, however. Today was no exception. My day was pleasant. I had an early start, I got everything done and more; I even met an amazing artist and had an incredible discussion with him. I felt on top of the world. It was only when I was sitting alone in the labs at my university, scanning in the latest film I shot over the weekend for my thesis, that I began to feel discontent. 

It happened so suddenly, I looked up and realized I was completely alone in the lab. The atmosphere was static, I felt like my skin would crawl off, I needed to run, scream, or do something to release all of my tension. The labs have always been hot, the heaters are on even in the summer. This was doing nothing for me. I felt the beginning of a cold sweat break out.

It took all of my strength, courage, and tenacity to pull myself out of my chair and make a mad dash for the elevator. It was only when I was outside, completely free of that restrictive building that I realized I wasn't breathing. My friend was taking a smoke break outside. I'm not usually one to open up so suddenly but I walked over to him and told him what happened. It was only after I told him that I realized how crazy I must sound. 

I have always been afraid to be myself, even around my friends. It was nice to hear that he understood my situation. It felt suddenly releasing that I wasn't alone in this all consuming feeling of fear and trepidation.

I am becoming increasingly annoyed with labels. Especially, when it comes to my career and my art. I am not a photographer, a designer, or an artists. I create. I think that was a part of my fragility this afternoon. Over the last year of my undergraduate schooling I have been forced to really exam what I want to do with my life.  I am no longer that worried about it. I have been given the skills to conceptualize; that is an incredible gift. I must remind myself not to put "me, myself" into a mold, or even an ideal.  My brain is limitless in its copacity. I can see no horizon line. It makes no difference if it is a photograph or anything else. It is so refreshing to see the potential I have.

I don't know if any of this makes since. I just know I feel a clarity I haven't felt in months.

This is more of my thesis work. I'm in love with bears. I am planning on two tattoos. One, the dream catcher (my heading) on my wrist, the other a tiny bear (I once drew) on my foot. They are symbols of my family, my strength, and my fortitude to reach my dreams. :)

Chinese artist Cai Guo-Qiang is an amazing creator and a long time favorite of mine. Not only does he think conceptually, but he is a painter, a print maker, an explosives expert and so much more. I appreciate him because his work is defying labels and attitudes. His discussion on beauty, emptiness, dream and explosion is exquisite and incredibly refreshing. He came to Philadelphia recently and currently has one of his works on display at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. If anyone lives near Philly I would recommend making a visit. :)