He's got the worst taste in music.

 

My weekend was beautiful, full of amazing moments, and quiet thoughts. Around midnight on Friday night, instead of spending another dull weekend in the city, we piled into a friends car, picked up my boyfriend from work, and drove an hour out of the city to their hometown. Along the way I couldn't help but watch the stars slowly make their way out of the smog, revealing their true nature as we drove down silent back road only stopping so a friend could pee in the bushes, ha. I'm increasingly loving when we get away from the city, with its anxieties and surprising seclusion. I felt released as we relaxed in that long car ride, looking forward to a time of decompression. And so we exiled ourselves from the city, for a day or two, so we could spend time with sweet people in a beautiful and scenic snow scape.
My boyfriend and I ended the night by sneaking into his parents house at three in the morning only to give them quite a surprise when they woke the next morning. The rest of that next day was spent enjoying the outdoors, driving down country roads, and photographing with Evangeline (the film is being developed now!)
We went back to the city that night so we could see Cage The Elephant. A fun show, we caught a ride home with a new friend and spent the rest of the weekend catching up with reality, better known as school and work.

I'm feeling quite refreshed after our romp in the country. Its as if the fresh air invigorated my senses, telling me not to give in on these last few weeks of winter term. I don't know how I'm going to get through these coming weeks but I know I'm not going to stress myself out with worrying about it.

Oh and my roommate's cat had surgery, poor thing! The kitty already has gender identity issues, as we thought he was a boy for three months, hence he/she's name is Carl. Getting spayed has probably only confused it more. He was sitting on my bed, this afternoon, and I just had to take that sad little picture. :(

Pet Grief.

More snow. No work, no school, only myself and my bed, and the whole time I'm wishing I could claw myself out of this small space. I am going to suffocate soon from all this anxiety and tension. Today I was up before sunrise and yet no sleep, nothing.
I need something to change. Should I cut my hair? I hate how plain it is now. I'm trying to grow it out, I've been trying for over a year now. I guess I should just give up. I know that it's not stylish but I'm loving the idea of taking crappy scissors to it at 2 o'clock in the morning and seeing what I can make of it. I just need to let go of a few things that keep hurting me. Maybe if I give up my hair that will help. How cliche' does that sound? I need to be more like Juliette Binoche in The English Patient. She was so lovely in that movie.

I've been listening to The Radio Dept. all day. They just seem to always fit my mood. And so I love this music video. 

I looked on my iTunes, the other day, and realized that I had 32 days of music stored on my little computer. And I'm thinking, when did that happen! I guess that explains why my computer is running so slow. I just can't seem to part with any of my songs, even if they are only going into exile on my hard drive. This is going to be difficult. :(

The Iron Maiden.

Had to write an essay on this video for my Photography and Culture class.

An interesting idea, especially in the context of photography. The video is a little long and old but it clarifies some of the already common ideas of beauty, advertising, our culture, and photography.

The Iron Maiden, in this context does not mean to the band or the medieval torture device, it is the idealized image of the perfect woman. Usually around seventeen, beautiful, thin and tall, she is unrealistic and in fact does not exist. It is unfortunate that this is what we are subjected too. Advertising is meant to produce feelings of insecurity and longing. It implies that if one owned the product being displayed somehow a better version of oneself would be possible. It would be nice to believe that we are above these influences but with more than 3,000 advertising images being projected at us a day it is entirely unrealistic to believe that we are not influenced by these kinds of forced insecurities

Although, I feel she takes some of these ideas and puts them out of their true contexts. It's nevertheless an interesting idea.

I'm so exhausted. With only a few weeks left of winter term I am become neurotic and sleep deprived.  Everyday I am up usually before sunrise and I don't crawl into bed until the early morning hours. The labs, my backpack, and the library are my new home. I'm not even making sense anymore. Exhausted.

sleepy sunshine.

 

Old holga from last summer when Jeff took me on my first trip to the jersey shore. Was cold and dreary in June. Trying to be more active on flickr. Come see me.

The girl with sad eyes.

Iridescent rays of sunshine spill into white curtains. A bird is chirping outside my window. Wrapped in my great-grandmothers afghan, I lay on my bed dreaming of spring time. Opening a window in the middle of February is not usually recommended, but I could no longer tolerate the suffocating atmosphere of my small space. It was much needed, a welcome and chilling calm to my overeager anxiety.

I miss sunshine, color, and nature. I was raised near a forest. I don't mean to sound nostalgic but I often think of those swampy woods behind my house. The fresh rain always brought the water levels up, making the marshland team with creatures and life. I don't understand exactly why, but my memory of it sparkles. My imagination runs away from me... I know I am simply homesick.

And so I opened my window, and let the few rays of sunshine warm and defrost my heart. I am tired of being so afraid of opinion. I want to relax my tension and let myself go. What is the worst that could happen? I no longer care. 

I had my first sighting of geese returning from the south. Could they have brought spring with them? Lets hope so.

I've become so sullen I'm beginning to annoy even myself. It is exhausting letting these fears best me. I really am looking forward to spring. 

Timelapse movie: The Alps -- part II (night) from Michael Rissi on Vimeo.

Michael Rissi

A universe full of lives. Emptiness.

I have this uncanny ability to collapse within myself. I am often surprised how fast it can happen. I could be having an amazing day.  In every way I am content, happy, respected, and appreciated. None of this matters when it happens, however. Today was no exception. My day was pleasant. I had an early start, I got everything done and more; I even met an amazing artist and had an incredible discussion with him. I felt on top of the world. It was only when I was sitting alone in the labs at my university, scanning in the latest film I shot over the weekend for my thesis, that I began to feel discontent. 

It happened so suddenly, I looked up and realized I was completely alone in the lab. The atmosphere was static, I felt like my skin would crawl off, I needed to run, scream, or do something to release all of my tension. The labs have always been hot, the heaters are on even in the summer. This was doing nothing for me. I felt the beginning of a cold sweat break out.

It took all of my strength, courage, and tenacity to pull myself out of my chair and make a mad dash for the elevator. It was only when I was outside, completely free of that restrictive building that I realized I wasn't breathing. My friend was taking a smoke break outside. I'm not usually one to open up so suddenly but I walked over to him and told him what happened. It was only after I told him that I realized how crazy I must sound. 

I have always been afraid to be myself, even around my friends. It was nice to hear that he understood my situation. It felt suddenly releasing that I wasn't alone in this all consuming feeling of fear and trepidation.

I am becoming increasingly annoyed with labels. Especially, when it comes to my career and my art. I am not a photographer, a designer, or an artists. I create. I think that was a part of my fragility this afternoon. Over the last year of my undergraduate schooling I have been forced to really exam what I want to do with my life.  I am no longer that worried about it. I have been given the skills to conceptualize; that is an incredible gift. I must remind myself not to put "me, myself" into a mold, or even an ideal.  My brain is limitless in its copacity. I can see no horizon line. It makes no difference if it is a photograph or anything else. It is so refreshing to see the potential I have.

I don't know if any of this makes since. I just know I feel a clarity I haven't felt in months.

This is more of my thesis work. I'm in love with bears. I am planning on two tattoos. One, the dream catcher (my heading) on my wrist, the other a tiny bear (I once drew) on my foot. They are symbols of my family, my strength, and my fortitude to reach my dreams. :)

Chinese artist Cai Guo-Qiang is an amazing creator and a long time favorite of mine. Not only does he think conceptually, but he is a painter, a print maker, an explosives expert and so much more. I appreciate him because his work is defying labels and attitudes. His discussion on beauty, emptiness, dream and explosion is exquisite and incredibly refreshing. He came to Philadelphia recently and currently has one of his works on display at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. If anyone lives near Philly I would recommend making a visit. :)

I can hear the wind. I miss home.

One year in 120 seconds from Eirik Solheim on Vimeo.

Click

It was just a thought that I liked. :)

The weather here in Philadelphia has become just a little too dreary for my tastes. I am dreaming of that Southern Sunshine. My mother said it's already in the 50's and 60's most days. And with Mardi Gras passing by this week I am in a terribly homesick mood.

 

 

 

I have a constant love/hate realtionship with Mississippi. At one end, its terribly back water. Everyone is small minded and prejudice to almost all of my "liberal" views. But on the other hand, some of the brightest, happiest people I know live there. I could write a novel on my life in Mississippi, I really do have so much to tell. At times I become so frustrated with the place that I want to swear it off completely.

But I guess in the end it will always be home. The place I can truly relax and breath.

Two Headed Boy

Thesis has progressed. I am finally beginning to feel confident and secure in my project. Often times I feel subjected and that makes me insecure. I must remind myself of my talent and push forward. My ideas are obsessive. I am in love with the conceptual. What is reality? It's certainly not these idealized, picturesque, landscapes that these dead animals are placed within. They are hyper-real and actually quite tragic. I can only hope I am portraying this disturbing conception of realism correctly. 

obsessed.

I just need to say it/Bright Star.

We fit together so nicely, he and I.

I am often amazed at his love for me. How undivided and pure it is. 

We both come from former mistreating relationships. We both were played with and unloved. So the night we met it was instant. Coming together, we talked endlessly of our silly obsession with Kings of Leon, and my long time love affair with the Decemberists.  About how we both were from small towns, now living in a big city, and how we still loved where we were from even though we couldn't stand to be there for very long. 

It became very evident that there was no just being friends, this was one of those undeniable attractions, like a homing beacon. We were meant to be together, and so we were. I knew that night that I would fall in love with him.

It is wonderful to see him comfortable in his skin- content. It hurts me to think that this boy, with his sweet heart, could ever be hurt the way he was, not by anyone in particular, but by the harshness of life. I can only hope that I can provide the same kind of comfort, protection, and love that he provides for me. And so with one passing glance, between the two of us, both of our sordid histories were wiped clean, deemed unimportant and silly. We are attached at the hip you could say. :)

No matter how cliche love is, I just can't seem to stop writing about it! At least St. Valentine gave me an excuse for today. Happy Valentines Day!

We are both very silly. :)

 

We celebrated the holiday last night, because we're both workaholics and cool kids. We ordered delicious food and watched Bright Star. It was such a beautiful film. It has inspired me to move to England, collect butterflies, wear wistful summer dresses, and be in love.

 

Bright Star

   Please watch this and tell me if you have ever felt this wonderful. I know I have.

overnight.

Overnight by Gonzales.

I'm totally in love. How I wish my life could be expressed like this for I know exactly what this emotion is.

I'm feeling very transparent. A stranger could most likely decode my every emotion just by looking at my face. I can't say I mind too much though. Lets see what the days bring.

 It may be cold outside but his love has put sunny flowers in my heart.

analogue.

Hello from the Children of Planet Earth.

Off to see my boy play this weekend. His band will be playing in his hometown. This weekend should be very interesting. I'm going to have to stop and remind myself to breath. What with work, shows, school, and that silly consumer holiday I don't know how I'll get through it all. I'm pretty sure at least that it will be fun. :)

 So interesting: the ideas of love, language, and the universe are converging in my head.

Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan's Ultimate Mix Tape

 happy valentines weekend.

15 feet of pure white snow.

 

"Everybody knows that you love me baby

Everybody knows that you really do"

You dance and you spin until your head is out of control. Waiting for spring is really hard to do. 

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Heima

A small moment is all that is needed. Its beginning to feel like Mother Nature created this crazy snowstorm just to tell us to slow down, stop, look around, and enjoy life. The entire eastern United States is being impacted. Whether you are sledding down the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art (I did this today), or cuddling up with your true love in a tiny twin size bed (did this too). Life is beautiful. It is full of remarkable moments of generosity and breathtaking simplicity. I am feeling much more content with myself, especially after the previous storm had created a far more tempestuous feeling in my heart.  This storm has calmed me. The entire city has slowed to a halt. As I walked around this afternoon it felt like we had been transported to a much simpler time, when life could be enjoyed and appreciated. I am relaxed, happy, and in love.

I can hear the wind outside and yet it is so quiet. I could stay up all night listening to this stillness. 

I hope everyone is able to expirence this kind of solitude at least once in their life. :)

My love affair with Sigur Ros is always intensified when life is beautiful, and turbulant, like this. Heima is one of the most remarkable pieces of art I have ever seen. It's full of simple moments, beautiful music, and breathtakingly desolate scenery. Iceland is a place I will photograph one day. I have dreams. :)

kodak.

When I see her calm and bland

With her Kodak in her hand

Prepared to take a snapshot, sun or rain,

How my eyes have snapped her face

In its witchery and grace

And have printed it, in color, on my brain.

The Kodak Girl. 

Wonderland.

 Oh snow. I will always hold you in my heart. I have lived in the north for almost four years now, yet every time you fall I feel like part of my childhood dream is coming true. :)

Growing up, I often remember having the air-condition blasting on Thanksgiving Day, or wearing shorts two days before Christmas. How special it was for us when it snowed, how rare. I can count the snow falls in Mississippi on my right hand, they were few and far between, but always special and in my heart. I remember the first time we had enough that I could build a snowman and make a snow angel. I think I was around eleven or twelve. We stayed out all day playing, it was one of the most magical moments of my childhood. 

This weekend was beautiful as well as heartbreaking, but for much more personal reasons. I must remember not to let my fears best me. They are sometimes all too willing to take over when I become emotionally exhausted. The snow was needed. It reminded me to smile. I went out to play in it today after I photographed some for my thesis project, a reward of sorts. This is me and my boy.

  

 love.

disposable.

The storm has raged outside. I'm in love with the snow. This storm has allowed me to reflect and see things in a crystal clear light. I'm trying to be strong, but this feeling of isolation is the only downfall to this blizzard. 

I'm in the mood to create something. For the first time in quite a while I'm actually feeling creative. I find inspiration in the smallest thing. In a book, a new hair clip, or in a dingy couch I saw on the street. It's strange how my creativity only increases when I am feeling emotionally worn out. It has always been my way to deal. It has always been my escape. I have to remind myself to smile. My life is moving and I'm not going to stop it this time. :)

I went out last night, during the storm, and on a moment of impulse I bought a disposable camera. I'm always paying homage to the snapshot, and the fading art of analogue. Spontaneity is no longer appreciated. People expect instantaneous. How are you supposed to capture that unique moment when you can delete it a moment later. I am looking forward to developing it, my friends smiles were so wide that night. :)

I am not your doll.

Lucida

"The photograph is literally an emanation of the referent. From a real body, which was there, proceed radiations which ultimately touch me, who am here; the duration of the transmission is insignificant; the photograph of the missing being will touch me like the delayed rays of a star." Roland Barthes.

Creature Fear

I woke up this morning from an exhausting sleep. They are all I seem to have recently. I don't need an alarm; I usually wake just before it starts to ring. And so it was this morning, my internal alarm went off. It tells me to get up, to force my pained limbs to move, to succumb to the morning hours. But I don't want to. I'm exhausted. I've pushed myself to far once again. It's a give and take. If I am doing nothing I am discontent, and if I do to much I exhaust myself, body and mind. I'm beginning to feel like a newborn deer, or a small rabbit. I'm so afraid of the world yet curious of what it holds. If I could hide in the grass away from my predators, I would. 

How strange it is that I am excited for the forthcoming snowstorm. I'm picturing an unearthly quiet, a slight chill in the air, and a white light coming through my curtains that implies a certain snow. And all the while I lay in bed encircled by the arms of my boy. 

Winter Windows.

via lolita

Peter Bialobrzeski

Polaroids of sunny places, silly print stockings, winter, 6:30 am coffee slave, little rabbits that I carve into wood, and Peter Bialobrzeski's Indian sunrises. 

Feeling the weight on my shoulders today. To much to do and the hours are ticking by. Sometimes, playing hooky is just what the doctor ordered. Lets hope I'm going to be able to get out of this rut soon. In the mean time, I'm going to station myself in the print-making lab until I create a masterpiece! 

I've been carving bunnies into wood-blocks at all hours of the night. I'm fast becoming neurotic. 

 

peace.