“Believe me, Natalie, listen Natalie. This is your last chance to find a go-go dance to disco now..”
And he whispered that song to me under the moon and the stars. Static air afloat in the humidity of spring- I will always live in that moment. So just like that, I began to let go. The park bench left marks on the back of our legs as he left marks inside my head. A breeze caressed wisps of my hair along my forehead, and it might as well have been my heart.
(I know its silly but receiving this has calmed a few insecurities. I've been smiling ever since.)
"You know that you could never see someone fall into a black hole. Because the image of the traveler who passes the horizon would slow down till it would remain in the same position. The state he was when he crossed the line."
The German philosopher Georg Hegel’s metaphysical ideas of the universe and the aesthetic experience is a favorite ideology of mine. Art in the stages of Giest, or the absolute spirit, are the sensual representation of the divine; it is the eventual self-consciousness in form. This is because consciousness is a natural phenomenon, as is self-consciousness or the awareness of oneself, in form. This will only be reached when the universe (i.e. God) realizes it exists. This self-consciousness is the highest richest of forms, and this is the end of all process. Things will cease. “Art belongs, with religion and philosophy, to the realm of ‘Absolute Spirit’, since it is through these three activities, in that order, that Geist or God- and we humans, its ‘vehicles- eventually arrives at rational, ‘self-conscious freedom at peace with itself’.”
How wonderful is that? I can only imagine how incredible it would be for the universe to realize its own worth, its own existence. How transcending life would feel.
I want to be aware of myself. I want to see more than anything the inherent beauty that I know must exist. I cannot understand why I find myself lacking but I am disgusted by this weakness. I am incredibly intelligent, beautiful, and worldly. I am one of the best artists in my class, and I always have been. It was never just how I conceptualize my thought into art, but also my technique, that I see my true ability. I am tired of doubting my worth. Here I am, this is my life. I’ve traveled around the world, I’ve sacrificed everything in order to achieve my highest goal, and I have always been entirely successful. But above all I am loved. Being away from him is hard, its entirely too hard, but it is required if I ever hope to regain my self-reliance.
The night is in my room. I am aware of its presence as it crawls around me. A wind is rustling my hair and the open pages of my books. It’s funny because as I think about this I decide I have too many of them; when I look up I realize that I actually do. I’m sitting alone on my floor surrounded by my thoughts and decisions. I could spend an eternity in my head- this has always been my fear. I am entirely aware of what I have done, now that I sit here with wet hair that feels like discontentment, and I question if I am strong enough. I want so much to be strong enough.
Did I say the right thing? I’m so afraid that I am ruining everything.
I told him to leave me for three days, that I loved him but I needed three days.
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.”
Goosebumps travel up and down my spine. It reminds me of his hands running along my back. It is enough for me to look up from my screen-print and wonder if he’s behind me, playing a trick with an objective to bring out my smile. This pause last for only a moment, for I have school assignments that I must complete, and yet it enables me to realize that it’s not my lover, or the wind that’s slowly stirs from the open window I work next too. It is something else this feeling, and it is entirely intoxicating; my heartbeat slows with contentment and I am suddenly aware of myself in this stillness.
It’s in the night quiet that an intrinsic nature is inevitable, the smell of flowers float in the air, tenderness whispers to my ear. This is a strange inkling that tells me I might be happy. The spark is small and I feel I must protect it from the world outside. As though I am standing bare in the jar of a door, watching the storm rage around me. I’m going to kindle this flame; I know that it will grow. Why should I live in the future, when I’m realizing my present is truly beautiful?
I follow you. Your back is like a beacon to my senses. Our world has been lost in antiquity. As if walking bare-foot through a decayed forest, the earth presses between toes, moss slowly caressing our knees. A shroud could be placed over our crowns. Redeeming saints returning from prayer, waiting with anticipation for the lighting-bugs. It’s intoxicating.
I wish I could say that I was a truly happy person. Contradictory to the persona I assume in my day-to-day life, there is a role that is played out in my head; I must never hurt, or let others know that I am hurt. A silly mantra, I know, but it 's something that is imperative to my nature. In the past, I often felt isolated from the larger part of my peers; this resulted in even more annoyance. I have never fancied myself superior to others, although I know it may appear that way, it is just far easier for my ambivalent nature if I keep my distance. This has always been a struggle in my life. I often felt envious of others who found society so easy to interact with. Happier within, I lost myself in my imagination often taking long walks along the creek behind my house. How terrifying it is to be able to withdraw so far into your own psyche. I know it is cliché but you really can become your own worst enemy.
This past weekend I experienced one of these episodes. I allowed myself to doubt my worth, even my entire existence. I felt suffocated from my own fear that I had destroyed everything I held dear. After collapsing into tears on a west Philadelphia street one night, I realized how close to reckless abandonment I was. My boyfriend held me, reassuring me that I was beautiful, smart, amazing, and loved. He even called my mother so she could tell me the same. I felt childish in my need for affection, until I realized how seldom in the past I had ever received it. I have always been able to just survive; exuberance was never my forte or my desire. So when it is received I feel strange, and unworthy of its commitment. It was only when my boy pulled me into an embrace telling me that it was okay that I was broken; that two broken people could be in love and somehow everything would be right, and perfect in their small little world, that a consciousness came to me. It was a promise, telling me that what we had was beautiful. This made me feel exalted, at that moment I could feel every inch of my body electrify my senses, reminding me that I was alive. After this relief, I realized that I could finally appreciate everything he was telling me. It was entirely refreshing to have this reassurance, that another could love my small broken heart enough to fix it. I felt shaken both from my tears and from the veracity of his love for me.
I realized this weekend, that I’m ashamed of how often I doubted my boy. I feared losing him to the same thing I lost him to before. This overshadowed everything in my eyes, and it has taken a year for me realize that his love has been there the entire time. I wanted so much to be important in his life, that my doubt is the only reason I couldn’t believe it.
I no longer shutter when I think of that day one year ago that we were ended our relationship for an unbearable week; it no longer hurts my heart to remember the betrayal. I was lied to, hurt, and cheated on. Someone tried to take my heart away, I just had to have faith that he would return to me unscathed. I know now that he never stopped loving me, it was always there. It was just clouded by confusion and false promises.
I know that I am not healed, that my wounds will most likely stay with me for the rest of my life. But I'm realizing that I can learn to conquer them, no longer letting them suffocate and violate within.
"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them." -Tolstoy
Faulkner once said, “To understand the world, you must first understand a place like Mississippi.” I cannot express how true this is. I am still grasping to understand the place I am from. The contradictions are excessive, beautiful, and heartbreaking all at once.
I wish I were home. I would spend the day lying in the grass, watching the incredible clouds shape shift the sky, as the goats and the horses busy themselves nearby, and my grandfather’s sunflowers begin to make whispers just above the soil. He plants them because he misses me. They’re my favorite flower. This has always broken my heart.
I’m in need of warmth and I don’t mean the kind the sun can give. Fragility is something you never speak of, but I am frightfully close to breaking.
I just really can't say too much right now. Maybe I'll explain later.
My scars are metaphorical; I see them clearer than I ever have before. I'm beautiful in this complexity. I've been told I'm remarkable and for once I actually agree.
"Love is by definition an unmerited gift; being loved without meriting it is the very proof of real love"
"My timing is off but sometimes that's how it all works. Believe it or not, we don't have a choice in matters of the heart. Just gotta be brave enough to love and let yourself - be loved."
(unedited photo of home)
Maybe I'll just hide myself away for a while. I don't feel like fighting today, it seems on occasion the only way to recover is to let the shadow take hold and see it through the night. I'm stronger than most people think. It often surprises.
Please don't lie, don't lie to me
that you're not afraid, my love.
I know you well enough to know
you can't be alone.
I love how comforting it is to have him to depend on. I love that I am finally okay with that feeling. A year ago, and in almost all of my past relationships, I was always the one in control. I never let anyone close to the inner person I protected with such tenacity. It was a constant battle and it became so bad that I would shut out even my closest friends, often times hurting them more than I ever realized. It is painful for me to imagine how frustrated they must have felt with my adherence to close relationships. But I am realizing that they are not to be feared, as I once believed.
I feel like I will always stand on that strange edge, going back in forth within myself. It was a protection mechanism, my fervent need to be alone, and it was my way of coping with these fears of abandonment. Who needs companions when they will only leave you? That was what my inner voice always said to me. I don't listen to that anymore, I've shut it out. Knowing that I am strong enough to share my inner most thoughts to this guy is a breath of fresh air on my anxiety. I truly like the person I am becoming.
I wish for so much to believe that I am beautiful. It is a hard thing to have, my none existent self-esteem. I know that I am a pretty girl, maybe even beautiful, practically I know this. I have just never been able to really believe it. I've never had a weight problem, and at five feet I know that I am petite and cute young woman. Yet, I cannot believe that I am truly beautiful. I think this stems back to my childhood, my absent father, and the cruelty of other children.
Add the fact that I have always had trouble with trusting the opposite sex and I was never very receptive to the advances of the boys in my classes. I knew they liked me, I new they were interested, but I always felt repulsed by their attention, it felt disgusting.
This topic has always been a difficult one to approach. But the only way to truly come to terms with my fears are to face them. I wish I understood the psychology behind my adherence to my appearance. Growing up, I would purposely make myself less noticeable. I wore baggy clothes, and I always kept my hair in a ponytail. I kept to myself too; like I was afraid to be seen.
It has only been in the last few years that I have been able to shed my insecurities and let myself feel confident in who I am. I want to be the kind of woman who isn't afraid to be completely herself. I want to be beautiful for myself and for the ones I care for the most. I'm dreaming of the possibilities.
"She loved to walk down the street with a book under her arm. It had the same significance for her as an elegant cane for the dandy a century ago. It differentiated her from others." - Kundera
"For a moment she discovered the purpose of her life. She was here on earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and to call each thing by its right name, or, if this were not within her power, to give birth out of love for life to successors who would do it in her place." - Pasternak
