Vicar in a Tutu.

"Remember, never let anyone put you into a mold.  After all, molds are meant to be broken."

I sometimes wonder what I am doing with my life. Why have I pushed myself to such extremes; what were my goals to begin with? I can no longer remember. I'm starting to feel the simpler things are more precious, more important. Give me a quiet afternoon in his arms, or a lazy morning with my camera or a book, and I am content. I can't put my finger on it, but for as long as I can remember I've always been an over achieving extremist. Forcing myself to be the best that I could possibly be- anything less than perfection was not acceptable. Strangely, I've come to realize I don't need that anymore. My future is completely blank and yet I am content. I have so many fears and yet I still know I can be happy. This is what I love and that is not to be forgotten. Graduate School is in the horizon. Lets hope I don't lose myself in the process. 

Here are a few photographs from one of my favorite photographers, Nobuyoshi Araki.

 

 

 (Nobuyoshi Araki)

 I'm actually very much in love with Japanese photography. I plan on studying the History of Photography, with a focus in the photography of Japan, in Graduate School. It is photographers like Nobuyoshi Araki and Daido Moriyama that inspire me. I hope I can succeed! :)

  

(Daido Moriyama)

Evangeline

After such a stressful week it was nice to get a package in the mail. My new camera came the other day! When I walked into my room and saw it sitting on my floor, it felt wonderful (I've been having a tough week). My new camera is called Evangeline and is a refurbished 1977 Russian Fed 5. It is amazing! I'm still waiting to get the film developed but that is what I love about film cameras- the anticipation and surprise! I actually don't like my digital very much, and I only use it for goofing off. My more serious work is done with a 4 x 5 large format camera; its a slower process and it has become a kind of relaxant for me. So here are a few images of me and my new buddy. Please excuse the crazy hair, I had to open at the coffee shop this morning, at 5 AM I'm not to worried about my appearance.

Its becoming very difficult for me to be productive. I'm photographing for my thesis more than ever but, unfortunately, that's about all I can do. I'm beginning to lose steam and I don't know if I'll be able to gain it back, again.

And you will go to Mykonos.

 

It seems somehow fitting that I finally get my Holga film developed from my summer abroad in Greece. Scanning these images was almost painful. Every image has a blue sky and a bright sun; I'm completely in love with them! The last two images were taken at a priest's home on the island of Crete.

 Thinking back on this trip I can remember it fondly now. At the time, however, there was an entirely different story. I had just gotten over a very trying time in my relationship and was finally feeling stable enough to stand on my own feet. To have to suddenly get on a plane and spend weeks in a foreign country away from your loved one is not usually recommended. But it did prove to lesson my pain. For one it began to touch on my ever-present trust issue and it also taught me patients. At some point I had to believe that he would not break my heart again... This was one of the lowest points in our relationship. But I recovered and I made it through. I trust now. I am healing. 

I'm glad I took these pictures. They remind me of the beauty of that summer.

Stars.

And taken by light in her arms at long and dear last
I may without fail
Suffer the first vision that set fire to the stars. 

*Dylan Thomas, Love in the Asylum. 

I am in love and I am completely content. All I want to do is lie in bed with him and watch the sky turn from winter gray to that subtle shade of blue that gives way to spring. 

You're A Wolf

In a strange and pensive mood tonight. 

I've come to realize that I have absolutely no control over anything. I feel as though I am a bystander watching my life from many different perspectives . I have to admit that I am scared, so scared. I want for nothing more than to hold on and never let go. I imagine my grip being so tight ,my knuckles are clinched and white, grasping at my fears.  I know I shouldn't do that, and in the end it is only trust that I can rely on. The problem is the hurt I have felt in the past. Trusting someone to love you, and be with you, is quite possibly the hardest thing I can imagine. Is it possible for a girl like me, someone who has been forced to deal with abandonment so much in her life? I really can't say. 

All I can do is look for my blue sky. His smile really does make the world beautiful.  

À bout de souffle

Breathless.

Breathless, never-mind that it's probably my favorite movie of all time, has a way of creeping under your skin. Jean Seberg, who plays the "hip American" Patricia, is nymph like and nonchalant (not to mention, I adore her pixie hair-cut and skinny jeans). Jean-Paul Belmondo plays Micheal Poiccard and is devilishly innocent, yet convincingly sinister. You love him and hate him at the same time. But by far my favorite part about this film is the dialogue. At times increadibly strange, the oddest part about the language is that it seems so so real and true to actual life. I know it sounds strange, but I know I have had the random conversations Micheal has with everyone he encounters. 

Patricia: "We're hiding like elephants when they're happy"

Patirica: "Do you know William Faulkner?"

            Michael: "No. Who's he? Have you slept with him?"

Patricia: "It's sad to fall asleep. It separates people. Even when you're sleeping together, you're all alone. "

Michael: "It's silly, but I love you. I wanted to see you, to see if I'd want to see you."

Michael: "When we talked, I talked about me, you talked about you, when we should have talked about each other."

Patricia: "What is your greatest ambition in life?
           Michael: "To become immortal... and then die."

I've moved out of the room I shared with my roommate and into the spare room in my apartment. This means for the first time since 11th grade I have a room to myself. I've lived with people for far to long. I'm excited to have my own space, to make it mine, and to let myself open up and relax. This is a rarity for me but it is also a part of my fresh and new approach to appreciating and respecting myself more. I don't know how long I'll be in this place but I'm going to make the most of it. 

This past year has changed me greatly. I'm no stranger to pain or heartache, but this year it has been particularly acute. I've watched people walk away from me and return with their arms open. I've learned to forgive people because they are people and I'm a happier person because of it. My insecurities are ever present and this past year has done little to diminish that, but I am mine and that is all i need remember when I am lonely. 

Optimism and perseverance are the only things I really have and I'm not going to let anyone take that from me.

I'm off to finish decorating my new room! :))

My Grandmother's. Love. 

 

We were captured by victorian vampires.

Project yourself. See what you can find. I feel myself evolving and I like what I see coming.

Above is my early work for senior thesis. 

I'm in love with artificial environments and made up worlds. 

Luigi Ghirri

 

 

 

Its beautiful here, isn't it....

An Italian Photographer, his images are like snap-shots to a shiny delicate world. I want for nothing more than to fall into these small images and envelope myself in their nostalgic world. I've never seen the 70's look so good!

On another note, I'm feeling my life move into a new perspective. I'm no longer waiting for things to formulate. I've put things into action. I am confident in myself for once. I see myself for how unique and beautiful I am and I will no longer let the words and opinions of others sway me away from that. Life is beautiful, like dear Luigi's photos, and I can create my own place in it. I am not afraid. After all, I have my camera and I have my imagination. That is all I need! :)