I feel as if I am putting myself into a catch-22. One in which I can see no clear horizon line.  In the past few weeks a resurface of past expressions of emotion has cause for alarm and I fear that I am falling into something I have not seen in quite sometime. I am aware of a fervent need to catch myself and stop these destructive habits, but I’m also aware that this time I’m probably just not strong enough.

I’m trying very hard to be the better person. I want to believe that our love can surpass any obstacle but what I have come to realize is that past mistakes have lain dormant in my heart and continually resurface when I am weak and close to braking. I am not over it. I hurt, so much, and I long to find closure, to understand that what he did to me a year ago was nothing, and meant nothing. But my heart is so ready to destruct and self-inflict pain that it tells me otherwise. I feel as if I am spiraling out of control.

I tell myself that I am wicked for hurting him with my questions and insecurities. I see the hurt in his eyes when I bring it up and this alone is enough to crush my heart. I wish I were stronger, a better woman. I wish I could say that the things said to me a year ago did not still hold reverent positions in my heart- I wish I could. But that would be a lie. How is a girl to overcome a lie when her self-confidence is as low as mine? I’m desperate for an answer.



One year ago I was told that I wasn’t good enough; that another girl was far better in his eyes. That he loved her and could never love another. What I understand now is that I have never recovered from these words. I know they were lies and yet I cannot recover.